two sides of the same rotten coin

The thing about insecurity is that it is the inverse of narcissism; both centering on the self in either extreme.

Narcissism is “self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder (Oxford Dictionary).” I would define insecurity as the exact opposite of that: a hyper-awareness of what distinguishes the self from external objects. One definition of insecurity provided by Oxford Dictionary is “the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.” Insecurity and narcissism are two extremes of self-perception. They, at their varying degrees, are strongly attracted to each other because each has what the other lacks, and that joining creates a co-dependency on each other as they develop this very unhealthy bond: one in the role of a caretaker and the other a taker.

One thing I struggled with for a long time after the dissolution of my co-dependent marriage was being able to be honest about what happened. I wanted to either take or assign all the blame and I fought to find a middle ground with that. I found it very difficult to avoid seeing it in black and white; either I was a victim when I would assign all the blame or a martyr when I took it all on. I knew that if I was going to be able to really put it into perspective, I’d have to find a way for both to exist.

In trying to solve a problem – especially a very tangled and complicated one – I envision it like following a string through a dark and tangled forest. There is one bright white string against the dark greens and blacks, and it might be as thin and hard to find as a silken strand of spider web. But once I find it, I grab on to it and follow it back to the source. It can take years or it can take seconds, but it leads me to the cause of the problem. Only then am I able to work to fix it.

It took me a while to find this particular string, and even longer to find the source. I was able to find it when I was doing the dishes one day a few months ago and I was meditating on this. I felt like I’d been able to forgive everything a long time ago, but I was having trouble letting it go because although it was a textbook co-dependent relationship, I couldn’t move any further once I’d confronted that term I kept running into -that it was also an “emotionally abusive” one. I was afraid to confront it because I wasn’t sure what that would mean. I didn’t want what I found to affect our co-parenting relationship or the carefully constructed scaffolding that I built around myself in order to cope with everything that happened.

“I don’t feel comfortable with labeling that relationship as abusive because that would mean I’m a victim and I don’t feel that’s true,” I thought, as I cleaned a plate. “The very word ‘victim’ presumes innocence and I was not innocent in any of what happened.” Immediately, without even thinking about it, I replied to myself, “Well, that may be true. But did you deserve any of the wrong done to you – whether it was purposeful or not?” I would have answered “Yes” with no hesitation at my most insecure moments in life, and especially when his voice still rang that answer out loud and clear in my head, which made me feel cowed and guilty. But I immediately felt all the goodness and the strength in me and I knew the answer was no. I’m not perfect but my mistakes and my faults don’t negate what is good in me. And I’m not doomed to repeat my mistakes forever; I can learn from them and I can grow. And all of a sudden it was as simple as that and the shining white thread was in my hand.

I followed it back for a long time. Through all the doubt, uncertainty, guilt, anger, and fear. As it goes, the last few feet were extra gnarly. And then, just today, I broke out of the forest and found the source. The source, as it usually goes with these things, has nothing to do with anything I thought it might. It has nothing to do with him, nothing even to do with what my reactions or inactions were in response to his. What I want is to move forward and to let it all go, and in order to learn from the mistakes that were made, I had to come to a sincere understanding that the only relevant thing in all of this and where I want to go has to do with just me. Just my side of the coin, and that side alone. Only my insecurity. In effect, that separates me completely from the effects of that relationship, and suddenly I’m free from all of it. I don’t even need that scaffolding anymore.

And what that means exactly is mine to know. It’s my path to take towards fixing it. The thing about articles on the Internet and good friends’ advice is that they provide great insights, but we each still have to walk our own paths. It won’t become real for me until I’m able to find it for myself. Help is great, but nobody on this earth can do the work for me; it’s something I have to carry on my own. Not everybody agrees with that, but the cool thing about life is that you can try, but you’re never going to live your life in a way that everyone agrees with.

One thing I’ve been learning about my nature as a caretaker and learning how to be a caregiver instead is the simple fact that I have to trust other people to handle their own shit, and I have to work pretty damn hard to see and respect my own boundaries. As much as I’d like to, I cannot carry the whole world on my shoulders. I can help people carry their burdens, but I cannot take it all on for them. Let me tell you, man. It hurts. It is extremely painful to watch someone make mistakes and struggle with heartache and know there is absolutely nothing you can (or should) do besides just being present for them. You can’t tell them how to feel or what to do or how to fix it; all you can do is empathize. You can offer advice but you can’t expect that they’ll take it. Showing that restraint and focusing instead on being empathetic and present all while taking care of your own needs and your own heart does them a better service. Knowing that makes it a little easier to do, for me. Maybe not for you, but that’s the beauty of walking your own path, right?

I’m choosing to put this very personal entry up on this blog because the purpose of this thing is to share what I’m learning, and if I can’t help anyone with what I’ve learned and what I continue to learn in a personal as well as in a practical way (because the two are inseparable for me), then the suffering I’ve experienced in my life will have been for nothing. I can’t carry anything for anybody, but I can damn well offer up as much empathy and insight as I have to offer, as humble as it is. And that’s a pretty good place to start.