“finding beauty in the dissonance”

There is a beauty in spey casting, a kind of poetry that comes with it.

You’re probably a lot like me. A complex creature with a mix of dark and light, innocence and vulgarity, hope and cynicism – seasons of life etched into skin and woven through veins. It’s impossible to meet a friend who perfectly compliments every side of us, so why not just be who you are, the same true you with every friend, and pull closer the ones who stick around? Life’s too short to wobble about unbalanced and caring about everything other than your own well-being.

Something funny: I never thought I was worth much; certainly not worth caring about. But it’s hard to walk the path of self awareness and not come to an understanding that there’s a difference between humility and self-deprecation. I placed too much value in humility when I was younger, before I could understand what it really was, and my self worth became crippled. It’s not unseemly or gross or egotistical at all to genuinely love who you are. It’s very much the opposite because genuine love is good, it is patient, it is kind.

I’ve heard the phrase so many times: “You have to love yourself before you can love others.” I used to hate it because it seemed selfish and shallow. Sitting now on the other side of the new year after the last one held so much (often painful) growth, I can see how much truth is in that simple statement. There’s no dichotomy there though. It’s not like you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. But it’s fucking hard to love others well, then. How can you know what it looks like if you don’t have any for yourself? Love given freely to you will be dismissed like a fart in the wind because you won’t recognize it, won’t know what to do with it, or won’t feel worthy of it. Learn what it is, then you’ll start to freely give it to people instead of seeking it out, because that’s how it really works. That’s what love really is, I think. When it’s freely given back to you, you won’t soak it up like the driest sponge or scrape it from your tongue because you can’t stand the taste of it, but it will meet its likeness in you and you will radiate it all back into the world. Then the pieces will all start to slowly drift back together. 

The shift, for me, started when I felt my heart grow three sizes once I took down the barriers that have been holding it back for so long. One day I found my corner of the world where I was accepted as I am and I stopped feeling like I had to pretend. Then they just got smaller and smaller until one day they were nearly gone. I’ll never not see beauty in the darkness, but now I see that there is beauty in the light also, and I’m not afraid of it anymore. What a strange thing to say, but I’ve never been anything but a little strange. 

“That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending – performing. You get to love your pretence. It’s true, we’re locked in an image, an act – and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” – Jim Morrison

Fly fishing has been the best form of therapy I’ve ever found, and I’ve tried a few. Spey casting (and casting with a switch rod) feels like the most natural thing in the whole entire world. It feels like it works with the rhythm of my body, like I don’t have to do it perfectly because there is no perfect there since my body moves differently than yours does. I just have to trust in myself. Trust my movements, trust my instincts. It takes everything I love about fly fishing and adds bitter cold, falling snow, stillness, slowness, quiet, peace. Pain and pleasure, suffering and joy. Working together in harmony as long as I can keep them in balance, which only requires faith in myself.